Hopes and Dreams of Baby During Infertility

I am sorry for neglecting this blog for so many months.

I have this blog now on my to-do list every afternoon for at least a few minutes to get my story out.

So let me remember I can’t remember if it was 2 to 3 months upon return. However, I do remember the hopes in the dreams of the possibility of getting pregnant. Continually taking medicine and trying to get pregnant was beginning to take a toll on our marriage. I was obsessed with my ovulation schedule. No matter how much I knew that Tony wanted a child, I had a great big ache at the fact that I wasn’t for sure I could give him one.

Anyway, I went back to the infertility doctor after three months explaining to him the anguish that the scheduled efforts were having on myself and my husband emotionally. With the doctor’s vast experience in infertility, I was surprised at his indifference to the emotions of the situation. 

Tony and I finally made the decision to take a break from “trying “. 

During the time off from trying to make a baby, we focused on home. We decided that home was something we were going to bring our child to so it needed to be as prepared as our bodies were in this process. So we repainted a bedroom. We landscaped the front yard. We started attending church on a regular basis. All of these small tasks for our life was more impactful than we realized. You’ll learn more about that later.

OK Back to Making a Baby

After about four months of continually taking the medicine and trying when passion struck, we still had no positive pregnancy test. So we called the fertility specialist to make an appointment. At that appointment, the doctor wanted to increase our medication. He scheduled to see me once a month to make sure that the follicles were consistently opening up.

Many Trips to and from Knoxville

Now with going to Knoxville once a month consistently, I was getting excited. The doctor had great confidence in the fact that we would be able to conceive. Some visits I took my mom and we had to stop at the baby depot and look at all the excess baby products on the market. With her love of children and me being a great aunt, we come up with dream designs for the nursery.

Month after Month

Every single month we drove to Knoxville. Every single month I would have a transvaginal ultrasound. Every single month the medicine was altered. Every single month the follicles opened. However, I was still not getting pregnant. The fertility doctor was even getting discouraged. He started mentioning IVF. Great now I have another thing to learn about. But first, he wanted to start the shots.

The Infertility Shots

All right ladies let’s talk about these shots. I’m not sure who all is reading this but these shots are crazy. You have to take them at a specific time every single month or day or week according to the amount that the doctor needs to have in your system. I was on one shot a week. Let’s not even think about how much these shots cost. And of course, health insurance would not help at all with this even with the PCOS diagnosis. Becoming pregnant is not a human right according to the insurance company.

Did you know having a child was an elective?

Exams, Medication and Follicles

With my diagnosis in my brain and my mind full of way too much information, I started daydreaming of a beautiful little baby. Boy or Girl, I really didn’t care. One with my blue eyes and Tony’s platinum blonde hair (remember that for later).

The On-slot of medication

With the new diagnosis, our fertility doctor felt like he knew exactly how to get us pregnant. Remember he said “I have got many women with PCOS pregnant during my years.” So I started on Clomid to make sure that my estrogen and other hormones would increase. I also had to come back every 2 weeks until there was an official cycle to count.

Learning way to much about my privates

The pill seamed to be working. The first menstruation cycle was pure pain (remember it had been several months without one). I actually took 2 days off work to lay in the bed. I wish there were something for all the clots that is better than a pad. Anyway, after my cycle I returned to the doctor and he said great now we have something to work with. He did a pelvic exam. All you girls know this device, but apparently I am unique. With a wow, my fertility doctor contacted the nurse and asked for the long speculum. *thought – those come in different sizes* Apparently, after the exam he informed me that everything on the inside looked good but he had never had to use the long speculum before. I was told that I have a very long “canal” and to keep up with the medication and he would see me in 2 weeks.

Follicles are a Good thing

Next check up, I was introduced to a brand new full on torcher device. Now I have talked to several other women who have experienced this and some say no big but most are like me. A transvaginal ultrasound is a safe and straightforward procedure that doctors use to examine the internal organs in the female pelvic region. The procedure involves the insertion of the wand into the vagina to produce images of the reproductive organs. Ladies you think a normal pelvic exam is uncomfortable, you have felt anything yet! With this technology inside of me, the doctor was able to see what looked like circles on my ovaries called follicles. Follicles on the ovaries, to my later learning, are great! They mean that I have eggs and should drop them during ovulation. He was super excited. Now one side had more than others and some where huge and some normal, but he was sure that I had enough to do the trick.

Months of waiting

I was sent home with a specific timeline to “enjoy each other” and some more tricks to help the process. He didn’t want me back for 2 months. Specifically told to keep diary of our encounters and see you in 2 months. Now, if there are any women who have had to “try” to make a baby instead of it just happening, you completely understand this stress and torment. It wasn’t very romantic and it felt as if I was more of a necessity instead of a wife, but we got thru it and was hopeful for the outcome.

Would it be this easy? Would I be pregnant?

PCOS Diagnosis Gave Me Options

After loosing my husband two years ago, I wanted to put my memories down for my children. I also thought it would be beneficial to other PCOS women and/or foster-adoptive parents to hear my story. If you are researching becoming a foster parent, I am glad you are here and pray you learn something from my story.

Little quick history

I married in 1998 to James “Tony” Anthony Vandever. Tony only had one sister and I have one biological brother two step sisters. We both wanted several kids, but as all newly married couples we wanted to get some things in order before having kids. After about 9 years of not “preventing” pregnancy, I began to worry. You see I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome which was undiagnosed at the time) with asthma and my husband was a juvenile diabetic. Everyone around us was having children or getting pregnant. I had a niece and nephew at this point and so did he.

I went to OBGYN and everything looked normal. They gave us some “pointers” to help conceive and we started trying instead of just preventing. After another couple of years of trying at home ovulation tests (basal body temperature measurements) still nothing. Stress of trying was getting to me and him, so we decided to go back the non-preventing way again for a while. Then things changed. I started missing periods.

Cancer Scare

Young in love with new house, Tony moving jobs, nieces and nephews and life in general before I knew it I was 9 months without a period. Shocked after finally doing the math, I immediately contacted a new OBGYN (other retired) and scheduled an appointment. Pap smear results made me cry, first stages of cancer. OBGYN assured me that this little pill would help me have regular periods and clear up the cancerous cells. To my astonishment it did. I was regular and second pap smear 3 months later I was clear of all cancerous cells. I had also gained about 30 pounds.

With regular periods, I was sure we could use the ovulation tests again and get pregnant right away. Well that was a fail. So here we go back to OBGYN. Since we were in a “normal” range and had tried all the suggestions, they wanted Tony to get tested.

Husband Wiggles

Of course, I had went thru all this and my husband was beside me but not actually going thru the poking, blood work, tests etc. When his sperm was put to question, of course things changed. He wasn’t sure how the test worked. His manhood was on the line. And I was pushing him to do this. After a while of talking things thru, he had his sperm evaluated and wow! For a diabetic they weren’t too bad, however, they didn’t seem “normal” strong either.

Months of crying and trying more suggestions, main one sitting with my butt in the air for 10 minutes after making love, we came to a new realization. We needed professional help.

Diagnosis

OBGYN recommended the closest infertility clinic to us in Knoxville TN. Scared of what might be said, I couldn’t sleep the night before our first visit. OBGYN had sent over everything and I was ready to finally find out what was going on with us. Doctor walks in after nurse had taken enough blood to fill a blood bank and said the unforgettable words, “How long have you had Polycystic ovary syndrome?”. Wait what? What is that? He couldn’t believe after all this time, I was never diagnosed with it because to him it was obvious. And he was right, all that blood proved it.

Education and Acceptance

That visit was so educational. I was given pamphlets and information about my condition, but the best thing I heard and the thing I focused on was “I have helped many PCOS clients get pregnant”. Finally some help and knowledge that I wasn’t crazy there was something different about us. Of course being a Generation X girl, I hit the web. I was amazed by the stories, support groups, and information out there. I felt a since of relief and renewed excitement.

Could I finally get a cute little baby of my own?

Trying to get some work done

I am starting to think about long term life. Do I want to sit behind this computer 36-40 hours a week? Do I want to travel with my kids and show them the world around them? How can I design, doing what I love and travel? Well apparently I am always up for a new challenge in life.

As you all know I opened my Etsy store and started with digital products like business cards and printable art. Now I have moved on to print-on-demand t-shirts (just getting started).

What about AMAZON – how do all those shirts get on there? Why can’t mine get on there? I was intrigued. As a research person, I knew I could find the answers. Guess what – Not only did I find the answer but I am on it.

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Do you Know what that sounds Like? Not My Problem.

Disregard simple design, but I did it. After a while waiting for approval to add merchandise, I finally got the email. Almost missed it, because I get so many Amazon emails from all my purchases. I started with this. Don’t ask why? There is too much competition but really excited to see my name, CarrieAnnDesign, as a BRAND on this Amazon Page.

So here we go, I will be trying to put up a t-shirt design up at least every other week (remember single mom of 4 kids here). This is a good start. I can make some passive income. I can make some passive income (worth repeating). Now to find the next big viral things to launch my business… LOL.. Pray for me and I will Pray for you.

What have you always wanted to see on a t-shirt?

Christmas Tree T-Shirt Isiah 9:6-7, Christian, Religious,

Long time no blog. I have been super busy. I lost my husband in 2019 and instantly became a single mom. I am now on year 2 of single mom and finally opening up to a potential relationship. All that being said, he has a great mine for entrepreneurship. Made me remember my little blog and Etsy shop.

Back to question above, I think I want to make fun Christian like t-shirts. I see God in all things and am amazed when people don’t see things like me. However, I know there are several people out there that love Him as much as me. As all of you know my children, all adopted, are my world and a big sign of God’s love in my life.

I have make a few t-shirt designs from what I already had on my Esty shop. Let me know what you think of these and give me a saying you always wished was on a shirt.

All in One Day T-Shirt | God Tshirt | Anxiety and Stress Understanding Faith | Unisex T-Shirt

What is that one verse or old family saying that you have always said, “If that was on a shirt, I would buy it.” Here is your chance to make that happen.

Parenting is not about blood it is about love

I have always told my family and friends that parenting is about love not blood or DNA. As I was a child of a divorced family, I had 2 dads and 2 moms all of which I loved. But as a young girl I saw the difference between my dads, one was more of a weekender and his other family seamed to be the priority. The other was there for me, he was at all my school functions. He helped me buy a car. He was just a great emotional support.

After figuring out that I had so many problems with my fertility, I realized how true this is. My husband was a great man and loved our kids more than anyone will know. He wasn’t blood (me either for that matter) but he showed them love, compassion and strength every day.

Today, I saw a Dhar Mann video that hit home with me. As a mother of 2 adopted boys and two adopted girls. I can’t imagine loosing them to anyone.

Please remember the people around you and how they love you, protect you, care for you and they are not blood. If we all took the time to care for those no matter what it says on a DNA test, the world would be a beautifully more Christian place.

Trauma overcome

I still do design but my heart is to get the word out about Foster and Adopted kids. So I am working on doing some blogs about that to spread my passion.

I saw this on Facebook – you have to read. As a mother of 4 kids adopted from Department of Children services and an active member of the Cumberland County Foster Adoptive Parent Association here in Cumberland County, I have seen this, experienced this and heard so many of these stories.

Barren to Blessed is with Andrea Horton and Sheila Manuel.
December 15, 2019  · 

This is a MUST read. My cousin is a foster parent with five children. She and her husband recently adopted four out of the five siblings! It has been a joy to watch her in this journey – just like it was a joy watching her grow up. I love how she “keeps it real” when it comes to living the life of fostering and adoption. She shared this on her personal page and I reached out to her to share it here because it is just that good and so very relevant.

Edited for privacy:

“Tonight, after 2.5 years of living here, my oldest son sat down at the table with this. He was about to chow down when I stopped him and asked what in the world he was doing.

He said, “I made myself dinner.”

“But it isn’t cooked. I can cook that you know.” (she said)

“Well, I wanted to eat something I used to eat a lot with my old family.”

So we sat down and I asked him to tell me about it. He said that they wouldn’t feed him due to being passed out (you can guess why) and he would have to make dinner for himself and his brothers (2 and 4 months when they came to us). He said that all the money they had would be spent on cigarettes and other fun things () and so he would find change in their van and would buy Ramen packets at the store down the street (at 6!!!!).

He said he didn’t know how to boil water, so he would eat it like this. And, he actually grew to like it. So, he would break it up for his sibling, and would try to make bottles for the baby (at 6!!!!!!).

Guys. I asked him to make me some. And, I sat there beside him and crunched it down with lots of water because it’s not great…and he just started talking about how the first time I made them Ramen, he wouldn’t eat it and I told him I remembered. He said it’s because it reminded him of his Ramen packets and he didn’t trust me (big thoughts for 9!).

He said he isn’t sad he’s not with his “old family” (his words) anymore, but that sometimes HE LIKES TO REMEMBER HOW STRONG HE HAD TO BE.

I write this so everyone knows, trauma isn’t healed quickly (sometimes never), an adoption doesn’t erase the past or the memories, kids can change, they will change with love, and to never give up on a kid because “they are hard”.

And then, I walked away in shock, in sadness, and so so so proud of how strong my baby is. He’s so wonderful. And, we love him so much.”

Friends, THIS is the life experience of kids who come from hard places. THIS is living a trauma-informed life. We can’t imagine what kids from hard places have lived through. It is not just about one act of abuse or neglect, it is about living in survival mode and doing it day in and day out. It is about making sure younger siblings are also surviving, even at the expense of childhood.

Trauma infuses itself into every pore. Kids just don’t forget it. Their brains and bodies won’t let them. Those of us privileged enough (yes, I said privileged) to enter into the lives of children with hard life experiences must be willing to sit down, eat uncooked Ramen noodles and listen. We must not give up.

Our kids didn’t.

Open up to PINK World

Started and just can’t stop. I am loving these pink and black looks. So I thought I would make a new business card that could be used for any of the big players. Pink Stripes go with everything. I am loving this. Business Card that is completely editable and enjoyable no matter how big or small your company is. This is just freeing to get into designing again. God has opened me up for some fun and I am enjoying every bit of it. Please let me know if you need something specific designed, I sure do love a challenge.

Visit my ETSY site to see all the Pink and Black designs for AVON, MARY KAY, PAPARAZZI and GENERAL.

Etsy Paparazzi Design for Jewelry Craze and Friends

Okay, I have to admit I have even been hit by the Paparazzi bug and if you know me you know I wear little to no jewelry. However, I love it! So I have bought a few things and watch two friends of mine live videos ever time they come on Facebook. People overall are amazed at the craze that is Paparazzi. I knew this would be a great addition to my Etsy account. Many other cards are out there but mine, as always, are simpler no glitter, no shock but a traditional design that isn’t to ink heavy for at home printing.  What you all think?

If you want you can buy here and I recommend some good cover or card stock for printing.

And if you don’t have a Paparazzi Consultant, unlikely I know, here is my friend’s page – paparazziaccessories.com/97394. Show her some love!

Reason for the Season

I am really getting into the Christmas Season this year. I don’t know what has got into me. But the idea of decorating my house for Christmas is overwhelming. And I am a Christian so I keep “Christ” in “Christmas”. So that made me think I need to do Isaiah 9:6 on a printable. AWE it turned out so dang good. Not an original idea I know but I was so happy how mine turned out.

Easy printable in my Etsy store. Wouldn’t this frame be perfect!!!!

Okay, so I promised my local FCE group of ladies that my 4 kids and I would make an old fashion paper chain for their Christmas Tree Parade. So next project underway.